An Idiot's Guide to Slimming

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In the western world in particular, there is an obesity epidemic of gargantuan proportions, as adults and children alike get fatter and fatter, and health specialists are also getting fatter and fatter on the back of the health care industry. Suddenly everybody is an expert, promoting pills and potions and the elixirs of life, when all that’s needed is plain common sense.

I remember some years ago having a health check, and as my doctor was filling in the form, he paused at the section headed ‘weight’.  “I’m torn between describing you as either fat or overweight,” he said.  “How quickly do you want to be paid?” I replied.

It doesn’t take rocket science or learned medical opinion to state the obvious.  If you want to lose weight, you need a balanced diet and regular exercise.

I tried jogging once, and I don’t recommend it.  Up at the crack of dawn, and into your lycra shorts and matching T shirt, with your inflatable cushioned running shoes, hot, sweaty and pained beyond belief, you pound the sidewalks wearing a rictus grin and wishing you were somewhere else.  It’s an interesting statistic that you can lose as many calories in the act of love making as you can during a five mile jog.  No wonder all those joggers look so miserable.

There are dozens of faddy diets.  The Mayo Clinic diet requires you to kick start you weight loss regime with nine eggs on the first day!  A good diet for the incontinent, but not for those of you who work or live in a confined space.  The cabbage soup diet was popular for a while, but with an obvious draw back. Trapped wind can be almost as painful for you as it is for those in your close proximity.

However, if all else fails, and those stubborn pounds refuse to melt away, take a tip from the top. The least painful diet is the one where you don’t have to give up anything, or pop pills, or pound the sidewalks.  Simply order a suit that’s at least one size larger than your natural girth, and all our friends will marvel at your weight loss, and will almost certainly want a copy of your diet sheet.

David Osborne is a successful barrister, voice actor, author, media personality and public performer. In 1991 he hit the headlines nationwide and made legal history when he delivered his final speech to the jury entirely in verse. For this tour de force he was dubbed the Barrister Bard. For more information please visit www.david-osborne.com

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